Struggling with Confidence
In keeping with the transparency I desire through this platform, I'm going to share that I have struggled with confidence my entire life. I fake it really well. For someone who can't act, I have mastered the art of acting like a confident woman in almost every situation I've been in.
Since turning 50, one of my goals for the second half of my life is to make a deposit of genuine confidence within myself that can only be found in Jesus. That thing called God-confidence. It's different than self-confidence.
Over the years, I've held jobs, volunteer positions, and Board positions, and owned businesses that have required boldness and confidence. While I'm able to be bold and brave, I have often done it through a fog of anxiety and insecurity due to a lack of confidence in whether I really know what I'm doing. That imposter syndrome that people talk about? It's been a thing in my life since before it had a trendy name.
I've had the skills, the professionalism, the knowledge, the understanding, and the ability to communicate eloquently and have held my head high, but inside...inside my mind races and questions if I'm going to walk out of the room and everyone is going to say "What was she talking about?"
An educated, professional woman who lacks confidence seems like a non sequitur. Shouldn't a certain level of confidence come naturally with education and professional experiences? Of course, and it does. It's somewhere in there, but I have recognized that I haven't truly lived in the confidence that Jesus wants for me.
In Acts Chapter 4, a man named Apollo instructed in the way of the Lord through a "fervent" spirit. He was familiar with one thing concerning Jesus: the baptism of John. Yet he used that knowledge to fuel the power of his knowledge of scripture and shared the good news of Jesus as Christ wherever he went. He didn't stay home because he wasn't sure of himself and he wasn't afraid to say something for fear of being wrong. He had the power of the word of the Living God to stand on and "he began to speak out boldly." He knew that by speaking the truth about Jesus that God would fill him with all the knowledge he would need to go spread the word to everyone he met.
Bold. Confident. Leadership.
I may not know everything about everything, but I do know a lot about some things. I know I love Jesus and I resolve to let Him be the source of my confidence. I no longer feel a struggle to find confidence in what or who I know. Whatever I lack, the Holy Spirit will fill. My confidence is in Jesus Christ, who walks with me and guides me through the Holy Spirit and that, my friends, is all I need to know.
